Love

Assalamualaikum,

Wow. Tajuk yang bakal menimbulkan spekulasi. "Love" atau "Cinta". Sengaja aku tulis 'love' sebab most of the times aku rasa awkward tulis 'cinta'. Seriously. Aku rasa aku dah cukup masak dah dengan benda alah (allergen) ni. Tiap kali dengar perkataan ni, aku rasa nak termuntah, menyampah. Atas apa yang dia dah buat dalam hidup aku.

Dalam satu perkara, mungkin orang melihatnya seperti satu dunia alam kenikmatan *sounds really wrong, but you get what I mean*. Realitinya, selagi mana benda itu tidak halal, selagi itulah benda itu berdosa, dan bila berdosa memanglah seronok. Orang mana tak seronok kalau buat dosa, kan? Bunuh orang pun boleh jadi seronok, asal tak puas hati je, bunuh, asal tak puas hati je santau kasi mati. Peh, sonang hidop den ni ahh.

Peh, bunyi macam Ustaz Imam Muda Al-Hafidz je pulak aku ni.

Bukan nak berusrah tazkirah apa-apa dekat sini. Sepanjang pengamatan aku, benda alah inilah yang menyebabkan hidup aku miserable. Kalau aku tak cari, dia datang. Kalau aku cari, dia tak datang (?). Ok, statement kedua tu tak boleh belah macam forever alone gila. And tak semestinya melibatkan aku saja, mungkin orang lain juga terlibat, tak pepasal aku ditengah-tengah. Tak payah jauh. Kalau awek nak call/skype je, pop up aku, suruh kejutkan pakwe dia. Aku tak kisah. Tapi but seriously, apa kau nak cakap lama-lama dengan pempuan ni ha?

Aku boleh bercakap dengan perempuan on few things: gossip orang lain, study, politics, or luahan perasaan terhadap pihak ketiga. Terus terang, malas nak bising-bising. Seriously, kalau nak bercakap "hari ni kite makan nasi beriyani, awak ade?" or "hari ni panas gila awak, macam nak buang baju je" adalah sangat tak berfaedah ok, macam kau tak rasa ada benda lagi berfaedah nak bercakap? Or tak rasa ke ada benda lagi berfaedah nak buat? Ok, ni tak ada kaitan dengan siapa-siapa yang berdekatan dengan aku, nanti ada yang butthurt pulak. Aku cuma menyatakan pendapat aku.

Orang cakap benda ni boleh lead kepada maksiat aka zina. And of course that is Haram. Directly haram, not as in haram makan jamuan dengan budak-budak kelas ye? Itu indirectly haram. Entah apa fatwa aku keluarkan ni. Back to the point, bercakap tentang perkara-perkara yang tak ada point adalah sangat buang masa. Lol macam aku cakap gossips tu tak membuang masa (sebenarnya tak eh, sebab at least aku ada hasil). You know as compared to 'hari ni panas gila cuaca' punya statement.

Aku suka bercakap mengenai benda-benda yang serious like tetiba bila bercakap perempuan. Depan laki, depends. Tapi, for sure aku tau, aku boleh bercakap dengan orang yang aku comfortable with, kenal hati budi. So kalau nak suruh aku bercakap dengan perempuan yang aku tak kenal, or as in berkapel (which is impossible la untuk orang macam aku ni) aku konfem akan menjadi awkward, mula senyap dan buat busy dengan phone. Reflex. So, one thing yang aku rasa paling ok aku boleh capai bila nak bercakap dengan perempuan adalah dengan berkahwin. OMG aku nak kahwin! *panik sebentar* Time tu segala benda yang aku tak mampu nak buat, aku mampu buat tanpa rasa akward. BUKAN AS IN pegang-pegang tangan and so on, as in nak buat romantik *muntah* ke, buatla apa aku nak buat *muntah hijau*, so tak adalah awkward. Ok, lari point. Entah apa point aku pun aku tak tau.

OK anda anda semua yang sedang membaca ni cepat cepatlah cari calon. Aku nak makan kenduri ni *random*

Oh ya, aku sebenarnya ada suka kat sorang perempuan ni. Wow, aku tak pernah tau pun dulu yang dia sebenarnya memang suka aku. And of course untuk orang stone macam aku ni, memanglah tak perasan sikit benda-benda ni. Aku ni kurang sensitif bila perlu sensitif. Itu pelik. Tapi, dia semakin diambil pihak lain, aku tak tau bila, tapi aku harap masih lagi tak la. Aku masih bergantung pada dia. Aku masih belum betul betul meluahkan rasa sayang aku dengan membalas segala budi pekerti baik dia. Dia memang baik. Sungguhpun mempunyai masalah yang sama macam aku, susah nak luahkan rasa sayang pada orang lain, cuma sekadar memendam dalam hati. Thanks Mak, you grew me up, when I wasn;t even realized that you love me when I was a child. You never did express that you love us, your children as what other mothers do to their child/children, but we know by the your action, you always love us. Happy Mother's Day, moga Allah sentiasa memberkati mak dan lanjutkanlah usia mak.

So there you go. My problem in expressing my feeling actually started from my family itself. My mother never says she loves us. Its like never. But her actions always say that. No doubt. My mother has this feeling, and abah is the one who told me about her problem. Well mom, even if Abah did say about your problem, we already realized it. So do me. I will never express any true love feelings to anyone in my entire life, including my mother and my father. And as to my friends, among the things that I always do express is all about hatred, stress, emo, seriousness, sad, and all sort of negative emotions that you ever think off. My actions are quite different. Well that's just what others don't know and I don't want anyone to know, though some of them bravely ask me that "was you pretending to be bad so that you others to look you as a bad guy or something?". I don't know from where he observed me, but I always keep the other side of me from people. Its just doesnt feel so good that way. Among the things that my mother shows us how she really loves and cares about us are (and they are like miracles):

- she always wanna cook something special for us everyday. she returns back home at 6-6.30 p.m and asks us the same question everyday. (aku belajar sampai pukul 4 pun dah penat, mak yang tengah kerja sampai pukul 6 balik rumah boleh masak lagi, kuat gilaaa okkk!!! WHere do she gets all the ATPs????)
- when I'm sick, she stays up and be my side. Pelik, kalau aku sakit perut, dia letak minyak gamat, and dia urut and urut like few times, the pain relieved! (masha Allah!) and within few minutes, I fell asleep.
- when I am stressed up, I just wanna talk to her. I released all of stress no matter in what manner of language that I used, she just listened, and said "be patient", and my stress gone, like 'pooof!'. Miracle.
-its never been awkward talking about girls when I am in front of her.
- she likes to play badminton. only when I am back.
- she gets really nervous and stresses up when I am in trouble. Happened to me when I had the VISA problem during my first year time, and Paris, and bla bla. She understands me. She feels me.
- i dont have to learn any tarannum (i only know Hijjaz) from anyone, because my mother already taught me when I was a kid. She recites al-Quran as good as qari I listened in my entire life (her father, or my late grandfather was a great religous teacher in Kedah). And it calms me.

But things changed when I grow up more and more. She becomes much more expressive nowadays. We love you Mom no matter what you do, or did. Always.

Assalamualaikum.

A video dedicated to my mom: (I don't write anything, just my pictures collection)



p/s: all of these things are really confusing. And it is so hard to understand, to avoid, and to choose. What am I gonna do? To avoid because it is something not convincing, or to take the risk even if it is dangerous? pp/s: do you know even though the scar is healing, but if something wrong, the scar also is killing you back?
ppp/s: menulis time waktu 3-5 pagi menyebabkan anda jadi gila dan tentu arah macam dalam post saya ini ye. terima kasih.
pppp/s: saya nak tidoq dah bai!